Ρομαντικές Παγίδες: Όταν το Παρελθόν και οι Μύθοι Καθορίζουν τις Σχέσεις μας

Π.χ. ένα παιδί που μαθαίνει ότι η αγάπη είναι αυτοθυσία αφού ο γονιός υπερτονίζει τις «θυσίες» που κάνει, θα ψάχνει ασυνείδητα σχέσεις που μονίμως θα δίνει αφού έχει μάθει ότι η αγάπη είναι να προσφέρεις χωρίς να τολμάς να ζητήσεις, εφόσον έχει μάθει ότι η αγάπη απαιτεί τη διαρκή παραμέληση των αναγκών/επιθυμιών του. Αν πάλι έχει μάθει ότι στην αγάπη ένας έχει το «πάνω χέρι» και υπάρχει ένας αγώνας εξουσίας, αναζητούν σχέσεις όπου η επιβλητικότητα του ενός ατόμου και η υποτακτικότητα του άλλου θεωρούνται δεδομένα. 

Αυτά τα ασυνείδητα μοτίβα καθοδηγούν τις επιθυμίες και τη δράση μας και καταλήγουν να γίνονται αυτοεκπληρούμενες προφητείες. Για παράδειγμα, άτομα με αγχώδη τύπο προσκόλλησης μπορεί να ζητούν διαρκώς επιβεβαίωση ή/και να μην μπορούν να ελέγξουν την ανασφάλεια και τη ζήλια τους ώστε τελικά να απομακρύνουν άθελα τους τον/την σύντροφο τους. Αυτό έχει σαν αποτέλεσμα να διαλύεται η σχέση και να επιβεβαιώνεται ο φόβος της εγκατάλειψης.

Τα καλά νέα είναι ότι τα μοτίβα που κουβαλάμε μπορούν να αλλάξουν. Η αλλαγή έρχεται με την αναγνώριση του μοτίβου και τη συνειδητή επιλογή διαφορετικών υγειών συμπεριφορών, χωρίς οι ίδιοι να χάνουν την αυθεντικότητα τους. Αυτό μπορεί να σημαίνει ότι μαθαίνουν να αναγνωρίζουν και να διεκδικούν την ικανοποίηση των επιθυμιών τους, να δέχονται βοήθεια (αντί μονίμως να προσφέρουν), να εκτιμούν τη σταθερότητα αντί για την ένταση. Όταν συνειδητά αλλάζουμε τις αντιδράσεις μας και αντιστεκόμαστε στις παρορμήσεις μας, σπάμε τις αλυσίδες των μοτίβων μας.

Οι υγιείς σχέσεις δεν είναι ιδανικές αλλά χαρακτηρίζονται από σεβασμό, ανοιχτή επικοινωνία και προσαρμοστικότητα. Η αγάπη είναι μια δυναμική διαδικασία, με αυτογνωσία και συνειδητά μπορούμε να μάθουμε να αποφεύγουμε τις παγίδες, να καλλιεργήσουμε τη συναισθηματική μας νοημοσύνη και να δημιουργήσουμε δεσμούς με βάθος και ουσία με τους ανθρώπους που έχουμε επιλέξει. 

Romantic relationships are often shaped by unconscious patterns formed in childhood and reinforced by cultural narratives. These "romantic traps" are not spontaneous but develop through emotional reinforcement, cognitive biases, and learned behaviors. Understanding these patterns requires delving into psychological theories, notably attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988), which suggests that early bonding with caregivers influences how we form romantic connections. For example, children who witness self-sacrifice in relationships may later unconsciously seek out partnerships where they give excessively, believing love requires suffering. Similarly, observing love as a power struggle may lead to relationships where dominance and submission are normalized. These familial patterns, known as "emotional scripts," guide adult intimacy, often causing us to repeat destructive behaviors in relationships because they feel familiar (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).

Cultural narratives also heavily influence how we view love. Movies, books, and societal norms promote unrealistic ideals, emphasizing passion over compatibility and intensity over stability. These narratives lead us to value dramatic qualities while neglecting essential relationship components such as trust and communication (Nardone, 2006; Giddens, 1992). Over-idealizing love can result in dissatisfaction, as real relationships rarely mirror these scripted fantasies (Fletcher, Simpson, & Campbell, 2001).

Once these patterns are internalized, they often turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. For instance, individuals with anxious attachment styles may behave in clingy or suspicious ways, driving partners away, thus confirming their fear of abandonment (Gibson, 2024). This forms a feedback loop where beliefs about love shape behaviors, which in turn reinforce those beliefs.

The good news is that these patterns are not set in stone. While emotional scripts and self-fulfilling prophecies can feel deeply ingrained, they are changeable. True change occurs through integration, not suppression, allowing people to adopt healthier relational behaviors without losing their authenticity (Nardone, 2012). This can involve practicing new behaviors, such as receiving support instead of always giving, expressing needs in low-stakes situations, or learning to value stability in relationships. By intentionally shifting our responses and questioning inherited assumptions, we can break free from these cycles.

Ultimately, healthy relationships are not about seeking perfection but about mutual respect, growth, and adaptability. Love is a dynamic process—one we shape as much as it shapes us. With self-awareness and intention, we can move beyond romantic traps, cultivating emotional intelligence, and creating deeper, more fulfilling connections.

• Early childhood experiences sometimes shape the relational scripts we follow as adults.
• Repetitive cycles—like self-fulfilling prophecies—can perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors in relationships.
• Balancing openness with well-defined boundaries can interrupt harmful relationship patterns.

These traps do not appear spontaneously; they form through emotional reinforcement, cognitive biases, and learned behaviours. Key psychological mechanisms underlie these repetitive patterns, and from early childhood, we absorb implicit messages about love, often before full awareness.

According to attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988), how we bond with caregivers in early life influences how we form romantic connections later. If, for example, children see love modelled as continual self-sacrifice, they may unconsciously seek relationships where they give all, believing love must be earned. Conversely, observing love as a power struggle can produce adults who default to dominance or submission, viewing relationships as hierarchies rather than partnerships. These familial patterns become “emotional scripts” that guide adult intimacy, prompting us to choose even destructive partners when they feel familiar (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).

Strategic Shift: Recognizing that past experiences shape current choices allows us to question these inherited scripts and develop healthier models of intimacy.

Social Narratives and Cultural Myths

These bias lead us to:

• Overvalue dramatic or passionate qualities while underrating communication and trust.
• Normalize unhealthy behaviours, such as seeing obsession as devotion or control as protection.
• Create unrealistic expectations, fuelling dissatisfaction when real-life relationships fail to mirror scripted romance.

Strategic Shift: Love should not be defined solely by intensity but by mutual respect, emotional security, and shared growth—choosing realistic emotional fulfillment over romantic fantasy.

Self-Fulfilling Nature of Relationship

Once a relational narrative is internalised, we tend to act in ways that confirm it—a classic case of the self-fulfilling prophecy (Nardone & Portelli, 2007; Merton, 1948) and in turn, our expectations shape our behaviour, which then creates outcomes that reinforce the original belief. We see this vividly in attachment patterns (Hazan & Shaver, 1987), and sometimes people with anxious attachment, fearful of abandonment, often behave so clingily or suspiciously that they drive partners away, thereby validating their original fear, again the self-fulfilling prophecy effect (Gibson, 2024)

In relationships, this forms feedback loops:

• Someone who believes love requires sacrifice may ignore red flags, reinforcing the idea that love includes suffering.
• A person expecting rejection might sabotage relationships, confirming their fear of being unlovable.
• Those convinced passion inevitably fades might neglect nurturing intimacy, ensuring it does fade.

Strategic Shift: Awareness of these self-fulfilling cycles is the first step to breaking them. Small disruptions—questioning assumptions, choosing different reactions—can change relational outcomes.

Breaking Free

The good news is that relational patterns are not fixed; although they can feel deeply ingrained, they are social and psychological phenomena, meaning they can be shifted. True change does not occur through suppression (which often strengthens negative patterns, Gross, 2015) but through integration (Gibson, 2024; Nardone, 2012). When people sense they are trapped, they often swing between extremes—becoming completely closed off or perpetually suspicious, as we might say walled off and one down. While it may feel like self-protection, extremes narrow one’s range of emotional responses, leaving no room for nuanced intimacy. Role theory (Nardone, 2012; Goffman, 1959) demonstrates how we can flexibly adopt different stances without losing authenticity.

Integration means:

• The overly romantic person can balance idealism with practical standards rather than abandon romance altogether.
• Someone drawn to chaos can channel that excitement into personal endeavours rather than unstable relationships.
• Individuals prone to passivity can practice small acts of assertiveness instead of making drastic, unsustainable changes.

Suggestions for Expanding Our Relational Repertoires

• A caregiver type might practice receiving support instead of always giving it.
• A conflict-avoidant individual could express needs in controlled, low-stakes situations to alleviate fear of confrontation.
• Someone equating love with intensity might learn to value stability as equally powerful.
• Use self-questioning (“If a friend asked me, what would I advise?”) to override automatic impulses.

Balancing Stability and Change

Love’s paradox is that it needs both consistency and adaptability. Healthy relationships can evolve without losing their core foundation. They are grounded in genuine friendship, shared experiences, and respect for individual differences. Relationship maintenance research (Rusbult, 1983) confirms that partners who engage in growth-oriented interactions report higher long-term satisfaction than those who remain static.

Key practices include:

• Allowing personal growth without assuming it threatens the bond.
• Cultivating passion through shared meaning and purpose, not just raw intensity.
• Shifting from a mindset of “finding the right person” to “becoming a better partner.”



Love Makes Fools of Us All

Romantic traps need not be our destiny; they are patterns we construct and can, therefore, deconstruct. By recognising how these traps form and crystallize, we gain the power to disrupt, reframe, and transform our intimate lives. A strategic approach to love is not about coldly controlling it but about co-creating it with awareness, affection, and flexibility. Rather than clinging to rigid scripts or waiting passively for fate, we can see love as a dynamic process—one we shape as much as it shapes us. Ultimately, the goal is to move beyond old, destructive patterns and discover a new way of loving built on intentionality, fun, growth, and emotional intelligence.